One liners

• Always late.. but worth the wait!
• Remember.. you are unique, just like everyone else.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
• Don’t follow me.. I’m lost.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Life is too short to date cheap men.
• Plan to be spontaneous- tomorrow.
• The 10 commandments are not multiple choice.
• Fight crime- shoot back.
• DESIGNATED DRUNK!
• Can’t feed ‘em.. don’t breed ‘em
• I’m not short, I’m fun size.
• Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• I have a perfect body. It’s your vision that’s defective.
• If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
• Are you stoned or just stupid?
• I doubt, therefore I might be.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• All I want is less to do, more time to do it and higher pay for not getting it done!
• I have amnesia and déjà vu: I think I have forgotton this before.
• Booze destroys brain cells but I’m too smart, anyway.
• Hard work has a future pay off. Laziness pays off now.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
• Shh! I’m listening to a book!
• Better late than pregnant.
• Off to boozing. Sorry about what happens later…
• Death is a way of telling you you’ve been fired.
• Money isin’t everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• Drive it like you stole it.
• If at first you don’t succeed, try not to look astonished!
• I may be left-handed but I’m always right.
• If this car is going too slow for you, feel free to help me push!
• Earth is full. Go home.
• If you’re rich, I’m single!
• Stupidity isin’t a handicap- park somewhere else.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean.
• Life is short: Break some rules.
• Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
• Borrow money from pessimists: they never expect to get it back.
• Don’t believe in everything you think.
• I said “no” to alcohol. It just wouldn’t listen!
• If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
• When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
• Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself!
• I’m not deaf, I’m just ignoring you.